House Rules

Knocking

Due to the recent unpleasantness, a knocking policy will be instituted. The rules are now as folllows.

1. If the door is closed, knock. If it is a Wednesday or Friday, do not knock, but snap your fingers loudly in a 4/4 rhythm.

2. If the door is ajar, push it open silently with the top of your head. Stare into the room with one eye. If you do not like what you see, I don't blame you.

3. If there is a sock on the door handle, take it off. There should not be a sock on the door handle. That is not what they are for.

4. If the blood of an animal is smeared on the door, use a non-abrasive cleaner.

5. If you hear French being spoken inside the room, force open the door by administering a powerful kick to the area just below the handle. Burn the speaker with a harsh chemical agent.

6. If you hear Italian or a Slavic dialect, run. Don't think, just run like hell.

7. Do not allow children, parents, or feral animals to open or otherwise operate the door unless they have a handler's certificate and all their shots.

8. Licking the door is not permitted. Rubbing the door for luck is allowed if it is done quietly.

9. Do not taunt the door. It is doing the best it can.